I was traveling to Virginia this past weekend and met up with a friend in DC. I love meeting this woman. Our schedules very rarely align, so when they do I don’t think twice about spending two hours in travel time even if it’s only to hang out for an hour. I always leave feeling intellectually stimulated, with the familiar warmth in my chest that comes from spending quality time with a good friend.
I’ve only known this woman for a year, and I met her on (brace yourself) LinkedIn (please let me explain). I’d been looking for roles at companies that were on my dream list and came across one I really liked. I noticed she had that role and also lived in my city (I was living in DC at the time)! So I reached out for an informational interview, and to my surprise she responded. We got onto a call, I ended up going to an event she was hosting later that week, and the rest is happy history.
When I moved to DC after grad school, I had no idea how to go about making friends. As someone new to the city and working remote, the chances of meeting people organically were extremely slim. But I wanted to find community - people I could invite to try out new restaurants, coffee runs, long walks and explore bookstores. This meant shifting my narrative around building lasting friendships.
In the past, my approach to finding and making friends was non-existent. This meant I never went out of my way to talk to anyone unless it was required of me. Looking back, I believe this was an issue of confidence and security. So my friends, bless their souls, found me; breaking through invisible barriers I had put up unintentionally - something I’m grateful for every day.
Unfortunately, I did not think it was my responsibility to sustain the friendships that had made their way to me. I was under the naive impression that relationships have a life and will of their own. If there happened to be prolonged periods of silence, and the relationship one day fizzled out and died, well - then it was simply not meant to be. I treated abandoned friendships as a consequence of life instead of what they really were - a lack of effort and intention on my end.
If there’s anything my friends have taught me through the years, it’s to be deliberate, intentional, and relentless in the pursuit of friendship. And I needed to internalize that now more than ever if I wanted to make the most of my time in a new city.
Here’s what worked for me and how I currently approach this search and sustain problem.
Searching:
A friend of a friend introduced me to Bumble BFF. It seemed daunting at first, using an app to find friends but:
I had not yet cultivated the kind of confidence required to go up to an interesting stranger and make conversation
I was scared to join clubs/groups alone
so an app turned out to be the comfortable option, and I’m happy to report it’s worked quite well! I’ve found that taking conversation off the app as soon as possible has accelerated making IRL connections. Things move much quicker once you exchange phone numbers - conversations that stay in the BFF chat tend to remain there, never materializing into a first date.
I’m now much more comfortable initiating conversations with strangers. Although I don’t do it as often as I’d like, it’s helpful to remind myself that the potential downside to talking to interesting people is well worth the potential upside. One of my friends in DC was a girl I met in the airport on the way back from Rome - I introduced myself because I noticed she was on my flight to Rome as well. It turned out she lived a 5-minute walk away from me.
I recently stumbled upon Luma as a way to find interesting events in the city. You can attend with a friend or alone, and it looks like a great way to meet like-minded people. I love the variety of events you can find on the app, a lot of which are free to attend. They’re also split up by category, so no matter what your interests and hobbies are, it’s likely you’ll find an event that caters to your curiosities.
Leverage your existing network. Ask friends if they have friends in the city they think you’d get along with, maybe you have long-lost family you can reconnect with in town, or an old colleague that used to live there can make introductions.
Lastly, choosing a sport or joining a club is a solid way to find community. I haven’t personally tried this, but my husband’s found a lot of good friends through tennis.
Sustaining (all of this is about initiation, life is both too short and wide to have fleeting relationships with interesting people):
Always. Initiate. Plans. If you’ve hit it off with a potential friend, chances are they want to fit you into their schedule. Everyone finds it hard to initiate meetups - just take the plunge - be the one to send the text.
Host things (reminder to self).
In the same vein as 1, immediately text people after you think of them. I always love getting ‘Hey, saw this and thought of you‘ or ‘It’s been so long, do you want to get coffee soon?‘ texts. They can really make someone’s day.
20-something friendships are hard. Schedules are rare to line up, plans are postponed. It’s almost too easy to get caught up in our lives and lose touch with those we worked hard to cultivate relationships with. While frustrating, I’ve found that it’s helpful to be patient and assume the other person is trying their best as well.
I think I’ve come a long way from 22-year-old me and her passive approach to community. I definitely still have a long way to go. What’s comforting is the fact that you only have to do it for the first time once. Every time after that is experience built and if you hit it off with some good people, memories made. Over time it gets easier. You realize you have a routine, there’s certain questions you like to ask, activities you like to plan and eventually it becomes a part of your identity. You just make friends wherever you go, and you’re good at it. The people you meet introduce you to other people, your network grows and community is built.
I’m currently living in my 3rd city in 4 years. Moving this time around wasn’t as intimidating and scary as the first move. In fact, I was quite confident at the thought of navigating change for a third time. I did it once, so I knew I could do it again. As I meet new people in my city I’m aware of how much more at ease I seem compared to a year ago. I thank my past self for deciding to initiate conversation countless times, for realizing that community is not something you find but rather something you build with intention and care, and promise to myself to always be patient when it comes to new beginnings.
Will steal some of these ideas 🤣 and can empathize having not stayed in a single city longer than 4 years continuously.